Fic: A Little More

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Title: A Little More
Author: Lexophilia
Rating: PG
Pairing: Gen
Word Count: 450
Summary: Sam and John argue on a daily basis. Dean watches. It changes something inside of him. Pre-series.
Warnings: eating disorder, hurt with no comfort
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Dean cooked spaghetti.

Dean sits and watches as Sam eats his portion quickly between hot, angered glances up at their father who's eating his meal methodically. Two bites of pasta. One bite of bread. Stern look across at Sam before chewing, swallowing, and repeating the process.

Dean twirls his fork in the small portion on his plate. His stomach rumbles, but it's not loud enough to be heard over the hot, angered exchange between his brother and father. Sam speaks of independence and the right to make his own decisions. Their dad speaks of obedience and loyalty and how children should behave as such.

Dean knows he should eat, if only to make the burning hunger in his gut fade. He's tired of the fighting. He's tired of the constant hot, angered words between his brother and father. He wishes he could stop it, this breakdown of his family. He wishes for a lot of things.

Sam finishes his meal first, getting up quickly and putting his plate in the sink. John leaves his plate on the table, too angry to put it in the sink himself without throwing it in and causing it to shatter. Dean sits and twirls his fork in the small portion on his plate until their crappy rental apartment grows quiet.

Sometimes he wishes it all would just go ahead and shatter.

Sam's doing homework in the room they share, and their dad's sitting in the living room cleaning the guns. Dean rakes his plate into the trash and cleans the kitchen until it's spotless. It only takes 20 minutes, but it warms something inside the hollow coldness in his chest to see it look so neat, clean, and spotless.

Dean showers and enjoys the feel of bones under skin as he rinses the suds from his body. They feel like home. They let him know he's alive. That he matters. That he has control over something. It's the one thing he can count on. The lightheaded feeling is better than any drug. The burning, empty feeling in his stomach rivals the hollow, coldness in his chest. The one cancels the other out. It's what helps him hold on to his sanity.

The night ends like most do. Sam sleeps in the bed on the other side of the room. Their dad sleeps on the couch, whiskey naming the place he ends up resting his head. Dean lies awake in bed, thumb slowly moving up and down over a too prominent hipbone, the rumbling of his empty stomach his only friend.

Tomorrow, he will cook something else. Sam and their father will fight. And Dean will both give and lose a little more.

~ ~

Comments

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, my dear.

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

I love sick/hurt Dean, too.

I want to "read where Dean's problems worsen, and Sam and John don't even notice how it's all affecting him until he passes out in the middle of them arguing or somethinorng." Oh man. Sick/hurt/ignored/fainting!Dean, I so need some of that in my life.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the awesome comment!

[biketest.livejournal.com]

This is incredibly sad and perfect. Somehow I really buy Dean having an eating disorder. Even though we know in canon he loves food and stuff it just really makes sense with his personality and childhood imo.

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading and for leaving such a wonderful comment. I feel the same way. In my warped little mind, it's almost as if he's trying a little too hard to 'love his food.' At least that's what I tell myself when I write things like this - a little fiction to add to our favorite fiction.

BTW, I love your fics. You are a master of manpain.

[biketest.livejournal.com]

I've had this anorexic!Dean fic idea in my head for so long but it's one of those things where I know that writing it will be so emotionally exhausting that I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to.

Thank you so much! That is seriously like the greatest compliment ever. :)

[lidoshka.livejournal.com]

oh Dean, why u always make me sad? XD

very good!, sad but good, especially becuase either John and Sam are too engrossed to notice Dean (which I hope), or Sam asumes it's his brother's stubborn choice and John thinks he'll eventually cave in and start eating again (which really, really sucks).

also kinda sad to hear Dean falls asleep witht the feeling of a jutting hipbone, cause that makes me imagine what he craves is human contanct, and doesn't that make you wanna cuddle the crap out of him?
:3

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

I totally agree that Dean here is longing for human contact and affection. I can't help but think John and Sam would always assume that Dean would always be okay, no matter what. It's not that they don't love him. I'm just not always sure that they 'see' him.

Thank you so much for the lovely comment.

[corbyinoz.livejournal.com]

Wow. This is really powerful. Great work.

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much.

[nightrider101.livejournal.com]

This is incredible! Absolutely perfection!

I'd love to see more, but I'm incredibly grateful for what you shared with us. :)

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the kind words.

[deangirl1.livejournal.com]

Wow. This captures the feelings and gestures of this type of eating disorder perfectly... Powerful last line too...Great writing.

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the lovely comment.

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

[castafarian.livejournal.com]

This was beautifully sad. Thank you very much for sharing.

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

You're so very welcome. Thank you for the awesome comment.

[jessysgirl84.livejournal.com]

Seriously can't get enough of ED! Dean. Thank you so much for writing it :)

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Hey you! You're welcome.

I'll probably have your 'Thinner' based prompt done sometime soon. My laptop died and ate the version I'd written that was almost completed.

[jessysgirl84.livejournal.com]

Aw, that sucks! I've had that happen to me before :( Thanks for letting me know :)

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[trickling-sand.livejournal.com]

NGH~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!

I.. just..
I have no words!!

So very, very well done, hun!!!
<333333333333

p.s. And you did ALL that in, what, 450 words?

NGH~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the lovely comment!

[lyryk.livejournal.com]

Oh man, this is so hurty and lovely (and so Dean). I think hurt-without-comfort just became my favourite genre.

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I never could have guessed that this little ficlet would receive so much positive feedback.

[lyryk.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad it did! It's also one of those fics that remains in the mind; I was just telling a friend about it last night. :-)

[eliot13.livejournal.com]

Wow...that was amazing. The emptiness that Dean feels was beautifully portrayed.

The coldness that wash over the whole scene like everything faded into the background was heartbreaking.

Dean was so broken that I just want to hold him tight and never let go.

Thank you for writing such an amazing piece of art!

[lexophilia.livejournal.com]

Oh wow!

I'm so touched by your kind words. Thank you so much for the lovely comment.